The Friendzone Is Bullsh*t

Mental torture, yes. A form of gaslighting, almost. You think the relationship is going one way, but it goes another. However, this might be hard to read, but it is your fault.

Why didn't you walk away?

You know your intentions. Telling the truth might foretell rejection and pain, but why live in false reality? Does she know your motives but continues your friendship anyways?

Fuck being her friend. I cannot emphasise more how being in the friend zone is mental torture on another level for a man.

Attention and Intimacy

Before delving into the friend zone too much, let us establish the male-female dynamic.

Women want attention; men desire intimacy.

It's notable with an anecdote about a particular friend of mine.

He chatted with one of our peers; they organised dates, but she always seemed to flake on him. Everyone had been telling him that, before, she would use other male students to get attention: like himself.

He knew that.

So, he started avoiding her entirely. Her intention was to soak all the male attention without giving him intimacy, which was an unequal exchange.

After a week or so, she would text him that she missed him.

He asked,

"Why?"

"I miss talking to you."

He discussed this out loud with me: it was not his presence and intimacy she missed; it was the validation and attention she got.

This is needy behaviour.

Attractive in a woman, god awfully ugly in a man. It shows weakness and dependency, attributes that contradict masculinity.

A female-male friendship has the same dynamic: enjoys your company and attention, but not enough to be intimate.

How Did We Get Here?

Understand the concept of polarisation. Or, what Mark Manson likes to say:

"The Rule of Fuck Yes, Or No."

Rather than being in this grey zone of being her friend: be on either the spectrum ends of outright rejection or dating. How you end up in the middle is a lack of polarisation. You did not force her to make a black or white stand on you. Lack of experience or fear of rejection stops you from advancing forward.

Why rejection is feared amongst young boys is we don't have much going for us. No self-esteem or confidence to tell us we're ok. A man with a life set out in order will not be rattled by rejection. He knows that a women's validation does not create his self-worth, as he already created it through his lifestyle, finances and connections. However, if you are nothing, the approval of others will be the only tangible measure of success or confidence.

What Can We Do About Being Friend Zoned?

In general, it's not good energy to invest time into someone who is not willing to do the same for you. That is where the torture comes from. It is self-inflicting. Don't blame the woman; don't blame her for having a preference; you, too, have the option of your dating partner. You can choose how your energy is spent and its impacts.

Ultimately, take responsibility. You cannot control others, but you can take action. Be clear with your intention. There is no grey area: force her to categorise you as a 'fuck yes' or no. The friend zone is simply the purgatory of these two polarising sides. You are going nowhere.

Ask the question as soon as you can. Strike the iron while it is hot. Then, when she replies, it is either 'fuck yes' or 'no'. Emphasis on her 'yes' having enthusiasm, hence the French. The person you reciprocate with should be as excited as you are to go forward with this connection.

No More 'What Ifs'

Why is regret more painful than rejection? When given the option to take action, you didn't execute.

"What if..."

Stop thinking about the future. The only way is through action in the present. Nothing will ever happen unless you put the work in. Think less, do more. Value your time to pursue something going somewhere rather than at a standstill. Go for a partner who is ecstatic for you. That's the kind of energy you want: reciprocation.

In the end, rejection is simply a 'no'. Embrace the pain. Humble yourself. Have a long look in the mirror and ask if you were a woman, would I date me either? Was there something fundamentally about yourself that you can improve yourself about? We all know we're not perfect. Neither is it ok to 'just be yourself'. Be the best version of yourself. Someone who you believe is the ideal partner. Do not give yourself self-entitlement. Give yourself the right to be dated.

In the short-term, rejection hurts, but regret lasts longer.

The Rejected Becoming The Rejecter

When going to the negotiating table, always be willing to leave.

It lessens the blow.

I suppose most nice men accept the offer of friendship. They still operate on the validation of the other party, so they honour their request. However, they gain nothing more than mental torture and wasted time.

There is something so confusing and infuriating about believing the connection will go somewhere, only for her to stop your advances forward. Instead of outright rejection, where she wishes to never see you again, she maintains her 'friendship' with you.

You did not want to be her friend; you settled down to it. And what is making you stay is hope.

Hope is what tortures us. The fuel to the flame that keeps the thought of being more than just a friend alight. But the nature of this hope is false. You waste your time pondering something that will never come to fruition. It'll be a damn long time until anything happens.

I question: do most attractive women know that if a male is a friend of theirs, nine times out of ten, they are waiting and hoping for her to come around: to turn over and change her mind? They will eagerly wait for god knows how long, like a coward, and not make a stand in one direction and face the dragon that is female rejection.

A tenet to live by is truth. I cannot be that deceitful. I do a disservice to myself and the other party. Even after a breakup, friendship is used as an offering to lessen the blow. It does not. Time and distance are all we need. To continue talking to you and giving us your attention continues to entertain the idea we can be more than friends. For your benefit, reject her offer of friendship. Your intention was never to be her friend. A friend is plutonic; you wanted more.

Look at your friendships. Your boys make you laugh, give you a second opinion, and shout food, companionship, brotherhood, and purpose. What do you give back? The same. It's a two-way street.

What you and they want do not align, then discontinue the friendship. They reject your offer of intimacy; reject their offer of companionship.

Fundamentally, a relationship is a value exchange. If the goals of the interactions do not overlap, one party will gain more benefit in value. Treat it almost like a business deal: both parties must mutually benefit when moving forward.

Not wasting your valuable time is another biproduct of having respect for yourself.

Time As A Friend

Given a long enough time, it will always be their loss if you continually improve yourself. You gave them the offer, and now they lose because they did not take it. This mentality will not let you be the victim. It will empower you to do better; than being bitter.

It's the narrative we tell ourselves that determine our outcome. Rejection and regret are two sides of the same coin. While rejection can be hard to take, it is only a temporary setback. Regret, however, is long-lasting and can cause mental anguish. As a man, the best thing to do is to take ownership of your life and be the best version of yourself.

Take responsibility for your actions, and never settle for a "friendship" that you know won't lead anywhere. Be honest with yourself and the women you date. Don't be afraid to walk away if the relationship isn't going anywhere.

Remember, it's always her loss. She's now a memory. An afterthought to everything you have created to get to the top.

Postscript

I journal at times. After reading some of my past reflections, I couldn't help to add a couple of sections about being friend zoned after finishing the article:

"Kill the hope. Friendship provides hope. And hope is not something you want to get over someone. 'If', 'what if?' These words are poison."

"To keep being her friend is to lie. To say I am satisfied by friendship is to lie. Most men do not have the back bone to turn down an attractive women. I turned her down."

"I cannot be dishonest."