Should You Make Dating A Priority?
"I think we shouldn't date anymore."
My heart sank, my mind catching up as my body processed her words.
"Ok..." with a forced smile and staggered breath.
I thought I had something, until I didn't.
The bus ride back, staring blankly to the outside world leaning my head on the opaque window.
I jolted from my seat, forgetting to tap the button for my stop.
Home.
If you're like myself, you would have experienced some heartbreak in high school.
Whether it was rejection. Or breaking up with your first girlfriend.
You might have had this thought before:
"Was it a mistake to try dating at such a young age?"
Yes, and no.
I didn't regret the experience, but now after a year of graduating high school, the priorities are different.
Upon my own reflection (in the form of this article), it seems I cannot find a logical argument that justifies dating at a young age between 18-23[1].
Now, my central argument stems around one question:
"Why would the woman of my dreams start something romantic with an 18 year old, like myself, who is still living with his parents, having an income that can't support raising a family, and is still developing an identity as a person?"
It's not to say you can't feel attraction
There is definitely a time to approach, make a move, or act on your hunches and emotions.
However,the main focus could be learning to be comfortable with one’s self, preparing for fatherhood and fitting it all in our lifestyle.
As a man who wants to have a successful life (on your own terms) dating seems to be the complete opposite action towards this goal.
For now...
I chose this age range stemming from high school graduation. With the new found freedom away from the school system, you start forming an identity to establish security that was once given by the social institute we call school.
With freedom, comes a lack of security.
The formation of fundamental beliefs about one's self and their identity is that security when entering the real world.
Hence, isn't that why coming of age stories are set during high school? ↩︎
Craving The Female-Male Dynamics
I believe the dynamic between the two sexes is what attracts us to the idea of wanting to be in a relationship.
There's something special about the masculine and feminine energies.
If you've ever experienced being in a relationship, dating, or having a conversation with any underlying sexual tension, you'll understand this polarisation.
The conversations and interactions you have are different with the opposite sex than compared with your own.
Because of the opposites, it creates an environment where you can bounce off each other's differences.
What I find the most fascinating is the feminine perspective on, or how they go about things.
As guys, we're familiar with the masculine, not as much as the feminine.
This unfamiliarity creates curiosity and a sense of playfulness.
(Seeing their reactions is what makes the heart flutter.)
It's ultimately the different energy that's the most attractive.
I'd like to divert with a story.
There's a beach in our town, and you can rent electric scooters there.
Us guys tend to hangout there at night, and you can see many couples riding the same scooter, one holding the other.
We'll make an offhand comment to each other, "I wish that was me."
Then, continue our night, most likely with a conversation on the topic of dating mixed in.
Sadness? Jealousy? Self-pity?
A conflict of desires.
Because, the act of seeing a couple displaying their desire of wanting to be in a relationship, that will influence our own desire of not wanting to be in one for the sake of success.
Ask yourself, is it what I truly want, right now?
I've discussed this concept about desires and choosing your priorities in previous articles.
Rationally, we know it's not the right time to be in a relationship.
We're still figuring ourselves out, where we place ourselves in the world, becoming a worthy partner for our significant other.
We understand, if we focus our time, energy and attention on our work, projects, training, self-development, we will see greater results than if we put it towards chasing girls.
Yet, a part of ourselves wouldn't mind the intimacy and connections in the present moment.
Which, I believe, is where the conflict of this desire of being in a relationship originates.
Being Comfortable With And Working On Yourself
I do not know if we can fully eliminate this desire of being in a relationship at a young age.
Of course, it's hard to suppress a natural response of feeling attraction to a potential mate.
Perhaps as a solution, focussing on being comfortable with ourselves, treating the feeling of attraction as just a feeling and not something that needs to be acted upon.
Continuously building ourselves up to be the person we want for our partner.
Because, how do you know what you want in a partner when you're young?
And thus, how do you know what you must become for your partner to reciprocate back?
What I find is creating value and being valuable yourself is a step in the right direction.
For now, I am not the person I need to be for my partner, right now.
It's unfair to them to be burdened with high standards if I myself do not live up to theirs.
So, during the present moment, I focus towards building up habits, traits and beliefs that will help myself, but also help my partner in the future.
(Working out, stretching, eating healthy, educating myself, working, making money, reading, hanging out with friends and family, improving social skills, being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Shall I list on?)
This is not to say you can't speak to the opposite sex.
Period.
It's still a skill to interact with strangers and people: including those you find attractive.
It's having the comfortability of feeling attraction and having those interactions, but being selective with whom you pursue as your future wife.
Dating As A Means For Fatherhood
If you've ever grown up with religion, we tend to romanticise marriage, and also fatherhood.
But, in a good way.
Why I mention religion is, nearly all mention the idea of marriage, coming together with another partner to unify into a singular unit.
And nearly all religions have long-term thinking in mind.
Particularly alluding to the idea of delayed gratification.
(Think of the marshmallow experiment.)
With this in mind, if you date, without the prospect of a long term relationship or starting something life-long, I think it's (kind of) pointless.
The idea of dating out of convenience: "Let's date because I find you attractive, and you find me attractive," without the future in mind seems selfish.
You'd rather fulfil your own wants of gratification in the present moment than building something meaningful.
(And, sometimes both parties are happy with this shallow underlying reason for the relationship!)
An aspect of marriage is creating a stable environment that your children can rely on: for guidance, influence and safety.
To date and court is to vet out a viable partner for you, your children and the marriage itself.
Likewise, your partner will be vetting you out to take on the role.
An equal you can respect when confronted with the higher ideals of the relationship itself.
Fitting Dating Into Your Lifestyle
Having someone in your life should make sense when you've already built the lifestyle you envision yourself.
A good career, business, travelling, all of these things of this nature, should be built first, before introducing anyone into the picture.
Why I think this: it's an addition equation, not subtraction.
What's the likelihood you'll be able to hang out with your boys, travel overseas, put the time towards your career, when you have a partner to take care of?
Having the already established lifestyle, they are added on top of it, not subtracting from what you were already doing to work towards your purpose.
(If you're smart about it, you've curated the lifestyle in a way that they can easily fit into it.)
It's harder to build something that must take into account another person's needs.
I think that part of life is reserved later when you do get married, or have kids.
When the priorities are outside of yourself.
For now, I'd rather build my lifestyle without needing to fit the dating and romantic antics around it.
Because dating at a young age, how I see it, is compromising the future for the present.
You have a chance to work out your values and priorities.
Progress that could be hindered by intimacy and connection.
"If It Happens, It Happens"
With all this in mind, you can throw it out the window.
"But if I get asked out, I'll go."
Let dating not be from our own initiative in this phase of life.
If it takes effort on our end to start something romantic, it'll also distract us.
For us to initiate with the prospect of a relationship, it subconsciously becomes a priority fighting amongst our other goals.
However, if you get the chance to go, just go.
If you're always thinking about your work, your mates, and purpose, a few dates here or there won't hurt.
But what will is prioritising when you are not serious, or constantly thinking about it.
I know...
Logic and reasoning thrown out when asked out by someone cute.
However, ask yourself:
Can you turn down an attractive person's advances for a greater goal?
To wrap this article up, I'll use an analogy that Luke Belmar used for wealth generation.
Wealth is like butterflies fluttering around.
You can do either two things to catch them:
- Create a wide enough net to take more chances at catching.
- Create an ecosystem, a beautiful garden, where they come to you.
Right now, intimacy in exchange for an untampered development of your identity.
Is it worth the sacrifice?
"Learn to sharpen the sword, but keep it sheathed."