How To Rizz

No, I'm not going to talk about any 'techniques' or 'tactics' to win someone over.

That's not even the correct frame to approach things.

I'm here to tell you how I learnt to build courage in the face of romantic rejection.

From what I say to express my interest, how strangers are no different than someone you're interested in and the ultimate mindset to have when approaching.

I Don't Believe In 'Rizz'

I like getting to the point. No confusion in where you stand, or playing stupid games that lead to nowhere.

Polarisation through honesty, vulnerability and authenticity is the name of the game.

What do I mean by polarisation?

Forcing a person to categorise you as a romantic interest, or a platonic friend by expressing your true feelings and intentions through brutal honesty.

This saves a lot of time for yourself, and the other person. Respect for one's time is one of the most attractive traits you can have.

I'll note how you'll be surprised how many people (particularly women) are on the fence about you being a potential partner or friend.

Inaction causes them to slowly drift to being unreceptive to your advances.

For example, in Grade 11, there was a senior above me that accepted my friendly invitations to hang out and play chess.

As soon as I asked her out, she became a lot more receptive, even though there were no signs of such interest before.

(The confidence may have something to do with it...)

Looking at it, if you don't make a move you risk moving to the friend zone. Make a move, and you might risk rejection with the possibility of reciprocation.

So, you risk more doing nothing than if you did anything at all.

Like the classic saying goes,

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." – Wayne Gretzky

My Framework For Approaching

It's not a script per se but it's quite simple. If you want to follow my frame work, this is usually my go to.

"Hey, I know this is going to sound really forward. But I think you're [insert compliment]. [Insert Call To Action (CTA)]?"

You might ask,

"Why do you add the 'this is going to sound really forward' part?"

If you're a normal human being, you're going to know about the unsaid rules of social interaction.

Going up to someone and saying you 'like them' is unusual, breaking some of these social rules labelling you as 'weird' or incompetent at human interaction

To get around this, you have to show a level of self-awareness by pointing out the 'unusualness' of your unapologetic authenticity.

Remember, You're Ultimately Starting A Conversation

From the get go, you're framing the conversation as,

"I find you attractive, and I want to know about you more to see if we're compatible."

What should I say in the conversation, then? Whatever the hell you want.

What matters more is that original intention for starting the conversation. Because the actual words you say don't matter so much compared to why and how you say them.

Do not play a false character. Show your true self and this authenticity will push them to like you, or reject you.

It's really that simple. But I always find the hardest part is walking up to them, only because you're battling with yourself: your fears and anxieties.

I'm writing a more extensive article about rejection and how to deal with it. For the sake of this piece, I must say that you must do it a number of times before you start becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable.

But the greatest feeling is a sense of relief. That you managed to muster up the courage in spite of fear.

Case Example

In Grade 10, there was a girl in my Japanese and Art class who I thought was cute.

I liked her the previous year, but I didn't have the guts to approach.

We then had a Zoom session with our Japanese sister school.

I made a stupid mistake.

Smuggishly, I asked the Japanese high schoolers in Japanese if they had boyfriends during the call. Immediately, one of my Japanese teachers scolded my poor form. Well deservingly.

In saying that, I think this same girl took my stupidity as confidence.

At the time, I was uploading videos to my Minecraft Channel. After the Zoom session incident, she commented on one of my videos saying she liked my content.

A few days later, she approached me in person saying,

"Are you the guy?"

I said, "Yeah."

"Cool," then she ran off.

I sort of picked up she how liked me. Eventually getting verbal confirmation from her friend that she liked me.

Yet, I was still flustered to ask her out.

Friday rolled around, and I said to myself I would do it.

It was second break.

Even knowing the interaction will be a 'success', I still felt nervous in spite of this fact.

Saying stuff like, "What do I say to her?"

So, I went up to her while she was with a friend. As I approached, she saw me and physically hid behind her friend.

Then, I said,

"Hey, I think you're pretty. Can I get your phone number?"

Did I get the number?

I did, but nothing came to fruition.

The main takeaway is although I didn't go on any dates with this person, I still give myself a pat on the back for approaching in-person and leaning into my fear.

From having done approaches like these I learnt another important lesson.

If You Struggle To Approach Strangers, Don't Think You Can With A Romantic Interest

Before we go any further, let's take a step back.

People tend to put the cart before the horse, including yours truly.

If you cannot approach a random stranger to start a friendly conversation, don't think you can with a romantic interest.

The problem I had was approaching strangers in general. Whether it was someone from school, asking the store clerk or food server at a fast food place.

Now in hindsight, they are not two separate skills. They are the same skill, just with a different context.

Go read How To Win Friends And Influence People. And maybe Mark Manson's Models if you want something specifically on healthy non-toxic dating.

(In fact, Models heavily influences how I view dating in general.)

"And, what if I'm already good at talking with people? Just not with people I'm attracted to?"

I'll take a page from Models. Use exposure therapy, which was something I should have done instead of going straight for the deep end.

Ask yourself:

Can you ask a stranger for the time? Ask them for directions?

Ask how they are? Make an observation about them?

Maintain a conversation?

Again, you can be in two schools of thoughts:

Fail hard and learn fast. Or, gradually build and ease yourself in.

Can't Ask? Compliment

If you are terrified of asking the number or date, just do a compliment.

It's a simple way of giving a bit of appreciation without asking anything in return.

And, what is the worst thing that they will say? Thank you?

I recommend, though, to not overdo it with complimenting looks as it's a bit superficial as anyone can call anyone beautiful. But, it takes another degree of attention to notice someone's value other than their looks.

And, if you're just starting out, focusing on just complimenting will give you enough difficulty for growth, but not so much that you will outright fail.

Overthinking will be your worst enemy.

However, I'll share a story about my first experience giving a compliment in-person.

The Japanese Hotel

I backed myself in a corner.

It was during our school's 2019 Japan study tour, and I told the boys,

"If I don't compliment her by midnight, you have my permission to beat me up in the hotel room."

Midnight was slowly approaching.

I kept pacing up and down the hotel hallway, letting the anxiety eat away at me.

With the help of someone, I cannot remember, they pushed me into her room.

She emerged, and I felt like a knight facing a dragon. Stuttering and lost for breath. I spurted out:

"I think...you're...cute."

And ran away from the room.

In the same hallway, even though I thought I was rejected, I gave myself fist bumps in the air and hyped myself up. I learnt that the gold is not found after defeating the dragon.

But it's found when you have the courage to face your fear.

(I thought she said nothing, but she later clarified over Instagram she said,
"Thank you.")

You either approach, or you don't. No half measures. However, my first time was a half measure.

Because, I find what happens is when you're still thinking about the risk of vulnerability and you haven't taken that leap of faith, you are mentally stuttering which transfers onto your speech.

The fear takes control of you, rather than you of it. Breathing and slowly saying your words can help with becoming more comfortable with the anxiety of giving a compliment, or asking someone out.

The outcome, whether positive or negative, should not detract the ultimate measure of success, the action itself.

Which leads to my ultimate point of approaching.

You're Already Successful When You Approach

Much like success, the goal is not the outcome.

It's not about the track record of 'how successful' you were with each interaction.

In fact, success is the process. Paradoxically, if you focus on the process, the outcome will take care of itself.

Starting conversations with your intentions already clear. Attaining relief knowing you tried in spite of your fear.

(Easier to track if you can count them on your fingers.)

The point is maximising each opportunity to give value, building your courage and character; which may develop into a meaningful relationship.

That, my friend, is the ultimate form of rizz.

Author's Note

A colleague from work, Connor, asked me to write an article with the exact title.

I responded with, "I have no experience with 'rizz', but I do with approaching people."

So, here we are.

[BONUS] Coach Doesn't Play

If you focus on something, you then make it a priority.

At the moment, my mates and work have taken more priority.

However, now having a consultative sales role, I sort of get that same thrill I did approaching a romantic interest.

Why I love this stuff is you learn to handle rejection and get the positive feedback loop of asking the sale.