How To Handle Romantic Rejection
Like anyone, I've gotten rejected.
Most of them amounting in high school. From all of my rejections, I have taken some lessons to better prepare myself for future ones.
(Yes, it will happen!)
So, for this article, I'm going to discussing:
- How It's Always My Fault
- Who To Blame?
- How To Empathise With Your Rejector
- The Worst Kind Of Rejection
- The Only Way To Get Better At Being Rejected
- Why It Isn't Personal
Or, read on if you want some stories about me getting painfully rejected.
It's My Fault
In Grade 8 there was this girl in my orchestra who I had an unhealthy crush on. To a point where I couldn't stop fantasising a future as a couple.
Her friends tried to help facilitate this fantasy in becoming a reality. With one of them organising for us to walk home together.
We ended up doing the walk: mostly being awkward and silent. Only in the later half did we start opening up and having a conversation.
Now, people can misinterpret this gesture as a friendly outing. But because I didn't have the courage to directly ask the nature of our relationship, it was left ambiguous.
My inability to be vulnerable stopped me from taking the risk of getting a straight answer. And potentially saving time and myself from the friend zone.
My other fear was that my fantasy of a potential future together could be jeopardised by rejection.
So, I cared more for a false reality than pursuing the truth due to comfort.
Which is common amongst young guys who end up deluding themselves that they're happy being in this grey zone. Because we aren't willing to risk friendship for what we truly want:
Romance
In the end, I get told by a friend that she didn't like me that way. Even after accepting the arrangement to walk her home.
It raises a question...
Should You Blame Her?
Yes, I could blame her for leading me on after being indirectly rejected. That's the easier path to take.
But it was ultimately ME, MYSELF, and I that led myself on.
Not her.
I couldn't expect any romantic connection from pure friendliness. That's expecting all reward with no risk.
At some point after the rejection I said to myself:
"I thought we were dating."
I DIDN'T EVEN ASK THE QUESTION.
So, I cannot blame someone else for my inactions and fears. It's unfair to expect them to be responsible for and taking care of my self-inflicted pain.
And, what if I was the rejector?
Remember The Last Time You Rejected Someone?
Rejecting someone is really fucking hard.
For both guys and girls; more so girls than guys. I cannot blame the girl in Grade 8 for being friendly and not wanting to hurt my feelings.
Because, a year later, I will know what it feels like being the rejector...
It's my 2019 Japanese Study Tour, we were at the cafeteria of the youth hostel we were staying in.
There was another school from Malaysia. I kept looking at them as we ate, because I heard their speaking sounded like Bahasa Indonesia. I wanted to ask if they were Indonesian.
I discussed it aloud with a friend at the table; encouraging me to go up and ask.
Then, one of the girls saw me glancing and actually came up to me. As she approached, you can see all the other Malaysian girls whispering to each other.
She was friendly and asked for my Instagram. We kept texting each other for a couple of days while we were both still in Japan. Much to my discomfort of not wanting to lead her on.
Wanting to cut all ties, reject her face-to-face and have the hard conversation ate me up inside. Enough that I got guidance from one of the Senior Japanese teachers about the situation.
He said what I'm feeling is fine, and I'm not a bad person for feeling this discomfort and rejecting her.
And then I did.
I told her to hop on facetime and that I wasn't comfortable having her as an acquaintance.
Felt terrible throughout the whole call. But, as soon as I hopped off the call, I felt absolute relief.
Empathise With Your Rejector
That story is meant to invoke some empathy for the person who is rejecting you.
Let's be honest, we want to reject people without hurting their feelings if we respect them for their bravery.
(At least for me.)
Alas, other people's feelings should not undermine your moral obligation to live in Truth. I care more about respecting them than whether they like me.
It's worse for them to live in a lie than to hear the truth. It's a disservice to lie to them.
With enough experience rejecting others or sympathising with them, it becomes easier to get rejected yourself.
Because, you understand what it's like being on the giving and receiving end.
And, it's actually ok. It's a matter of how you react to it.
The Worst Kind Of Rejection
Being romantically rejected, while you're young and place all your self worth on the approval of a girl.
And that is what exactly happened in Grade 8.
Myself and other guys commonly experienced this:
- Not being able to eat.
- Having a lump in the back of your throat.
- Your heart racing and panicking
All in an attempt to control something outside your control.
To stop this kind of rejection happening is becoming useful. And I don't say that lightly.
In Grade 8, I didn't have much going on for me. Not enough to keep myself busy all the time.
What I did have was enough spare time to lament and obsess over a non-existent future that was destroyed by a simple rejection.
So, figure out how you can provide value to others and yourself.
What are you good at? What do you obsess over? How can you help others?
Then, work towards creating an individual that provides value to others.
That way, like in business, you know the problem is not with the value of the product, but with customer fit.
The Only Way For It To Get Better At Being Rejected
Is getting more rejections...
Painful, I know.
Only with enough exposure can you develop the subconscious understanding that you are still alive after you get rejected.
Chris Williams had a primitive explanation for why the possibility of rejection is terrifying. The Lizard brain cannot distinguish modern rejection from the primitive.
Caveman Scenario
Imagine you were a member from a small tribe. Any rejection could spell death from isolating individuals from the tribe.
I get rejected -> I get made fun of -> I'm isolated from the tribe -> I die from loneliness (usually a predator)
Now in the modern era, it is not detrimental to your survival that a potential mate rejects you.
And, even if people isolate you because you were vulnerable and upfront about your feelings, they're not the kind of people you want to surround yourself with.
They're probably projecting their own insecurities onto you because you did what they couldn't.
It's Not Personal
Reframe it.
Rejection is not an attack on you personally, it's a screening tool to vet out a potential partner.
Because, the likelihood you will be compatible with everyone is near zero.
For someone to reject you meant that both of you weren't compatible.
That's it.
We only take it personally because we attach the outcome (success or rejection) to our inherent value as a human being.
It hurts the ego when you're told,
"You're not good enough for my affection."
But, imagine they accept your advances and they aren't attracted to you.
How would you feel, then?
Next time you get rejected, thank them for receiving the gift of saving your most valuable resource: time.
As seductive as it is to shift blame onto other person, don't. I did that in Grade 8, and what ended up happening is moving on takes longer and is more painful.
TL;DR
To get better at handling rejections is by getting MORE rejections. Knowing it's not personal and developing self-value and respect to know you'll be okay.
BONUS: High School...
The worst thing about approaching in a closed-off social setting is when you get rejected and you see that person the next day.
What I found strange was 2-3 months after being rejected I don't feel the attraction as I did before.
I got my answer and I moved on. Like, of course it entered my mind that,
"Shit, there she is."
But, the feeling of embarrassment never crossed my mind in my later years in high school.
Where it does become obsessive is when you put the other person on a pedestal. Seeing the other person as a projection of the opposite sex, rather than as a fellow human being.
Back on the topic of awkwardness, it mainly originates from the friction of knowing you find them attractive, but they don't reciprocate.
'Unwanted attention' in a sense for them.
This can open the opportunity for your actions to be taken the wrong way. So, does the awkwardness originate from people viewing you as 'weird'.
Arguably, you should not apologise for feeling attraction. It's whether or not you can respect another person's boundaries.
A pursuement of finding out the truth. Or, maintaining the fantasy that never actualises.
Nevertheless, rejection makes for great character development.