How To Get Better At Small Talk

Have you ever said to yourself,

"I don't like small talk. I'd rather the big talk, the more meaningful conversations?"

Guess what?

In order to get to the BIG talk, you have to start with small talk.

This article is going to explain exactly that.

If you don't know me, I'm Denzil. After getting a high-volume retail job, I've grown more comfortable speaking to strangers and people in general since high school.

So, this is how I went from a ball of anxiety to a comfortable conversationalist.

The Origin Of Your 'Social Anxiety'

Everyone has social anxiety, only to a degree.

Listening to Chris William's podcast with Alex Hormozi, you can fundamentally base every fear towards the fear of death.

Take asking a girl out.

If I ask her out, the she rejects me, I'll be embarrassed then people will make fun of me, then I'll be lonely, then I will die.

(This sequence never truly happens)

Primitively, if you were not in the tribe, you were good as dead.

Applied to social interactions, if you have not learnt the rules of interacting with people, it's creates the opportunity for rejection from a member of the tribe, and potential of death.

Which is not the case at all.

The brain cannot distinguish between a fictitious and real threat.

This is why your heart race when you see someone attractive, although they're no real threat to your life.

Should we eliminate this fear entirely?

No.

What is the definition of courage?

Acting, in spite of fear.

It's completely normal to feel fear and anxiety.

It's what you do instead that counts.

"I Like To Be Quiet"

There are some days I like to be quiet and reserved.

However, if you say to yourself,

"I like being quiet."

It's a defence mechanism.

You are coping to the fact you have little social skills and wish to not screw up your interactions.

I can speak, because I'd say this!

Preparing A Script

I use to do this a lot, I still do it sometimes.

For example, when I order food at a fast food restaurant, I would look up the menu and repeat the order in my head.

Now, I just don't bother.

But I do sometimes catch myself practicing what I'm about to say. Perhaps, it's practicing "think before you speak".

But if you're practicing how you're going to greet someone, that's where I draw the line for scripting.

People Like Talking

Don't assume every person doesn't want to have a chat.

There are some people's jobs are literally talking to the customers.

I learnt this lesson asking if it was okay to chat idly for 5-10 minutes with golfers at the golf course I worked at.

Yes. Talking to customers was a part of my job delivering the service.

(I've always been work orientated: not wanting to start a conversation as it may detract from my work.)

Don't Be Afraid To Ask Questions

I think we've heard,

"Don't let your conversations become interviews."

I took this advice the wrong way, and tried avoiding questions.

There are two lines of thinking.

You can ask questions, or speak in statements.

My biggest fear was turning the conversation into an interview.

But, it takes two to have a conversation.

A lack of contribution from the other party means they don't want the conversation.

The best questions are open questions, second to a follow up statement.

(Don't get too technical with how to have a conversation. You'll be too conscious about doing the 'right thing' socially, and you end up stiff as wood.)

How To Get Better With Speaking With People

Positive reinforcement, exposure therapy and feedback loops.

One to try:

When the register attendant is processing your transaction, and it's taking a long time.

Ask how their day is going. Make a comment. An observation.

As you get more comfortable, you start caring less for what other's think when you interact with them.

Rather than being selfish and placing all the focus on yourself, put it on the other person.

That is the only way to get out of your head and start talking to other people!