Giving Myself Permission to Be An Imposter

I sometimes find it hard to write an article or script for a video without the looming doubt of being a voice of authority.

It's quite ironic, considering the passionate spiels I give out in real life.

(It's actually why I sometimes get called 'arrogant'.)

Most of the articles or videos I find the easiest to create are the ones I tell a story, with an interpretation characterised by my personality.

It makes me feel like an imposter writing something that gives advice. Always cautious of the possibility that it won't work or I am not in the position to be giving it out.

I usually reassure myself by saying, "It's just a hypothesis."

The statement enables leeway in how truthful the content I put out is.

As a general goal, I try to align with the Truth as much as possible. If I aim for it, surely then my ideas will not highly deviate from their intended goals.

And to say it's just a working hypothesis, you give yourself permission to be wrong.

I haven't had many complaints yet; a good sign then?

(But if you have any burning topics or ideas for me to write about, email me!)

Although generally we are told not to act in absolutes, I still believe that some ideas are better than others, and it is not a matter of interpretation.

Especially writing these articles, they are creative achievements in themselves.

Imposter Syndrome

"The persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills."

You could argue that I am not experiencing Imposter Syndrome, simply experiencing a lack of confidence in being an authority of sharing information.

The amount of people that have already read my articles is my success.

Yet, a part of me says to hesitantly write as to attempt to provide value creates the possibility of providing no value at all.

I don't know if the articles will fall flat in their faces or are life-changing.

I still don't think I have reached these two ends of the extremes; yet.

Posting the first article was a big step in the right direction.

I was confident in the information I was giving out working because it worked on me.

Rather than giving out advice, I documented what I did to achieve the 4am running routine.

Perhaps the idea of documenting experience than creating advice lessens the burden of needing to feel like an authority.

Then from those documented experiences, I wrote what lessons I took from them and shared them.

Who can deny or question your experience?

It is subjective, unlike the objective.

Still, I'd like to try and create ideas that have some scientific or objective basis to reinforce the Truth.

With the amount of time I have, I really can't.

Then it feels wrong for me to hand out advice without the facts or statistics because logos would reassure my role as a legitimate voice of authority.

I don't like handing out phony advice; if I did give great advice, I still question if it was right.

Although the articles that told a story, I was less hesitant to write as no one could question my authority to retell a narrative as it was my own.

These are the internal conflict I have before I write any article: feeling like a fraud obtaining the authoritarian position as the author of these articles.

Being A Pianist in A Band

Away from articles, there are other moments I felt so.

In Grade Ten, the Jazz band at my school had an opening position for a pianist.

I had only started learning properly by a teacher in grade 7, having some knowledge back in primary school and only starting private lessons the year before the opening.

For the longest time, I wanted to be the band's pianist.

I mostly played in the strings orchestra and would watch on as the Jazz band would play brilliantly.

As a chamber musician, I looked up to the Jazz musicians.

I still thoroughly enjoy chamber music, but there was something about the chill demeanour of Jazz songs.

Although you could hear the brass and saxophones playing, I would always keep my ear out for the piano.

Finally, I could be a part of something I aspired to be for so long.

Yet, when I started performing, I felt out of my depth.

Sight-reading on the piano is hard during rehearsals. I would only play one-handed, feeling I wasn't competent enough. Knowing someone more capable could be sight-reading the music.

I felt judged, even though probably people didn't care or were too worried about their parts.

Most of the practice was done outside of rehearsals. Practising; fearing I would get notes or rhythm wrong while we rehearsed; or performed.

When other members say they haven't practised, I couldn't imagine myself not practising.

Sure, you could get away with it if your instrument is easy to sight-read, but the piano is not that instrument.

I believe not practising my instrument would further contribute to being an imposter, "how can he be in the senior bands if he plays the wrong notes."

Hell, the first couple of rehearsals, I didn't know how to set up the keyboard or how to plug it in the amp!

For the longest time, I felt like an imposter, not deserving the position granted by me.

I still persevered in improving my craft.

My piano teacher would tell me,

"You've got chords. All they have to play is one note at a time."

I needed to stop being hard on myself.

In Grade Eleven, it got better.

Having sat at the keyboard for a year and performing calmed the nerves. My feelings of fakery were put aside.

The general consensus is the feeling gets better with time.

The final nail on the coffin was one of the other rhythm section members telling a story in a speech of having no one idea how to play her instrument in a musical band but still persevering.

It has reassured me that there are musicians with similar experiences, and I'm not the only one.

Musicianship takes a lot of competency.

And being put in a high-level ensemble with no previous experience perhaps creates natural feelings of incompetency.

Nonetheless, we must do our best with the opportunities given or hunted and accepted by us.

When I Don't Get Imposter Syndrome

It seems imposter syndrome occurs less than feeling unsuccessful.

More people have a worse relationship with failure than success.

Imposter syndrome only affects the relationship we have with success.

I have not yet seen anyone who has achieved, for example, highly in academics and feel like they don't deserve it yet.

It is usually the opposite and the other way around: people feel they don't deserve it and then don't achieve highly in academics.

Could it be harsh to believe most will never experience imposter syndrome because they will never experience success?

That's a big statement to make, but is it a good problem to have?

Would I rather have the problem of being successful and feeling like a fraud or being unsuccessful and feeling inadequate?

I will definitely get some things wrong and some things right.

It's better to accept having the possibility of being wrong than shun away from mistakes. I must learn from them.

They should be happily welcomed as much as being correct.

Hopefully, this article makes me less hesitant to write.

Success to me is writing and publishing these articles.

Sometimes success takes time to get comfortable with.