Confidence: A Skill And Proof Of Concept

It's grade 5, and the school needs captains. We had to write and present a speech to our cohort for us to be voted as candidates.

I had to write a speech about why the other schoolkids should vote for me. I was eyeing the top job, school captain. To this day, I cannot remember my own speech. I can still remember, for some reason, a chick wanted us to be on the news.
Eventually, it was my turn to get up on stage.

At this stage of life, I was a very timid boy. And I happened to cry a lot all through primary school. When it was my turn: I got up, it wasn't a big stage, and opened my mouth. My words and my whole body shook as I read the entirety of my speech. Even with my lack of confidence or inability to calm my nerves, I still got a popular vote.

Knowing kids, I can still remember one of them coming up to me and saying,
"Yeah, Denzil, you sounded like you were about to cry."

Why was I so nervous? It was my first time public speaking, and it was for my entire cohort. For me, that was like chucking an Indonesian into the deep end. (They're notorious for not being able to swim.)

I couldn't look at the crowd, the people I needed their votes from. There's always the possibility of social rejection. Going up on stage, all eyes on you, all ears listening to your words, a single voice against a sea of people, what would they think of you?

Going up on stage and talking could be one of the bravest acts one can do. But continually doing it; that's a skill. From my understanding, the fear of social rejection perhaps stems from our time as early tribes. If we were rejected by our tribe and outcasted, it would be a death sentence. Also, how can you carry on your genes if rejected by potential mates within that same tribe?

In a modern scope, talking up on stage creates the potential for social rejection. It's not outright a social rejection, but who's to say it won't lead to one? The matter is of competency.

Confidence From Competent Experience

There are two pilots, and both offer to fly you on one of the longest flights in the world: New York to Singapore. One of them had only taken flying lessons a month ago. While the other one has been in the industry for 20 years and routinely does commercial flights. Obviously, the latter is the better choice than the one with less competency, especially with our lives in their hands.

What exactly is competency? Being skilled at a particular action in its simplest form. It's being experienced enough to achieve success most of the time whilst still having the ability to deal with failure. However, competency assumes no failure at all, which is true. Failure is a part of the nature of learning a new skill. Quickly learning and adapting to our mistakes; future ones do not occur, thus, creating competence. Once you have the competence, you will be confident in your future ability due to your past performance.

Why is going up on stage to public speak scary? You had no reference experience to tell you you are competent and won't make mistakes. It's the unknown that we fear. Perhaps we are naturals or downright terrible in all forms. We only know for sure when we have done it.

Those who are not willing to suck at first will never become competent. The fear of failure and the unknown will hold them back from reaching their full potential influencing their overall confidence.

Another Approach To The Unknown

Separating the outcomes from the action. Placing more focus on taking action than the consequence of it. Relating to my speech, I focused more on going up on stage and saying it. Subconsciously, I was thinking about my peers in front of me. However, it was more important to me to speak my lines than whatever my peers thought of me. I wanted to be school captain more than care if I made a mistake. Because if I cared more for the outcome of my speech, I would never have done it. Doing anything at all can spell defeat or success. And the amount of confidence one has is related to their relationship with failure.

The level of confidence you have corresponds with the amount of fear you can either tolerate or control. Almost like, our faith and proof in our skills and confidence help determine the outcome. If we fear the result but have control over it, there is nothing to fear. There is no ambiguity or confusion in input and output.

We cannot totally eliminate fear. Even as a public speaker to a large crowd, walking up the steps to the podium, I still feel fear. Not as much as the first time, but more excited as I've done more.

Emotion is energy; it can be converted. Fear can be turned into excitement, hyping yourself up to perform something difficult. Excitement usually occurs because you get to do something, never the outcome if it has uncertainty.

The easiest way to become more comfortable with failure is to place the focus on principle and action, not on outcome. The outcome of my speech was a popular vote. But it was never about the result: it was about the action. I was focused on the words I was saying, the passion behind them, and the delivery. I was still scared. But, I focused on the task itself, not the outcome.

Confidence comes from experience, practice and preparation. It's not about the outcome: it's about effort and your commitment to action. It's about the courage and the faith you have to deliver. You will talk the talk: walk the walk. Your actions speak for yourself. Eventually, you do not have to prove yourself.

That's true confidence.