When Should I Start Dating?

I've never had a shoulder to cry on
Someone to call mine
Everybody’s falling in love
And I'm falling behind – Laufey, Falling Behind

Where My Predicament Occurs

To choose not to pursue a relationship is different to the inability of having one.

Why I tend to approach romantic interests is to make sure it's a choice rather than my own self-inflicting circumstance. My totem to Cobb's spinning top from Inception.

There's no nobility in abstinence when it wasn't a choice.

But, you can make the argument that the skills of attracting someone becomes apparent as you develop yourself. Lex Fridman asked for relationship advice with Jordan Peterson,

"Let me ask for some dating advice...How do you find... the love of your life?

"That's a good question. I was asked that multiple times on my tour... I got asked that three times in a row. And, I didn't have a good answer. And then I thought, why don't I have good answer? I thought, "Oh, I know why! Because that's a stupid question..." Here's the right question, how do I make myself into the perfect date?"

Do you become the ideal partner if you're confident? Confidence comes from being competent in your own craft and domain. Whether it be your work or hobbies. That's why I think working purely on 'game' is counterproductive. Great, you're an expert in crafting your words attracting people. But, what do you offer other than that?

Is itself real value?

I think Mark Manson gave the best dating advice, along the lines of Peterson,

"Self improvement is the best dating advice."

By creating yourself as a person who can provide the most value from your potential, opportunities present themselves. Even without the relationship and dating, you are still left with an individual who can uphold themselves from the pain and suffering that life inherently has.

Someone comfortable with having a relationship with themselves.

After hearing self-improvement is the path forward, I reflect upon my own position. Most contemplatively whilst watching a video by Dry Creak Dewayne. He explains how he didn't allow his children to date until they were emotionally mature enough to make the decision to spend the rest of their life with their wife/husband.

Why did he choose to have this boundary?

He believes we've accustomed ourselves to a culture where relationships become disposable. If there's something wrong with our boyfriend/girlfriend, then there's no real repercussion. Break up. Onto the next relationship. Then, you see online the number of teenagers experiencing 'heart break' when they are still fed, clothed and roofed by their parents.

A close friend of mine, at the time, had broken up with his first relationship. I listened to his inquiry for why it happened. Both of them, Christian. I don't know the specifics, but I do know was her first response to the sight of problem was running away. My friend wanted the chance to work things out.

But in a culture of disposable relationships, you can choose to drop your current relationship for something else.

That's the beauty of the environment of a relationship, especially marriage, you can work things out, and running away isn't an option.

Relating to marriage, Dewayne would ask his children,

"Are you ready to marry this person and spend the rest of your lives together?"

"No dad, I'm only 15."

As Dewayne did with his children, until you have a job, are making your own financial decisions and developed a strong sense for your identity is when you're ready to integrate your life with the life of another. Intertwining the threads of two separate lives and making a stronger rope, as Peterson analogises marriage.

A problem poses itself. A level of FOMO manifests itself as you watch others in their relationships. Remember, what is your end game?

Naturally, I'd want to date with a serious relationship in mind, that being marriage itself. Then, having children. Creating a prosperous household. A legacy.

In talks of higher aim, I remember in Grade 10 a girl asked her friend about her one-week relationship. She said,

"I don't know. We'll see where it goes."

Connecting back to Dewayne's comment on disposable relationships, this attitude of seeing where it goes lends itself disastrous without the one thing that will keep the relationship together, a vow.

I'm not saying that the wedding vow is the be all end all of keeping a relationship together. Actually, considering the obstacles and challenges you face together, and the looming threat of separation, you might bloody need it!

(Another Peterson-ism)

The significance of the vow can be highlighted by its context. For this example, I'm going to keep it within the bounds of marriage, not government.

You say your vows in the house of God. Your two families, God, and the institution of the Church, together witness this ceremony. This leads to accountability between the two. Having faith that the relationship will aim for a higher good.

(That is why when a partner cheats, it means to be 'unfaithful')

Without marriage in mind, that God fearing, you slowly learn to see relationships as temporary pleasures that contributes to no greater meaning.

Can you imagine yourself with this person for the rest of your life? No? Then what's the point of continuing the relationship? Is it still a meaningful relationship when the option of leaving is still present?

"Girlfriend, boyfriend, partner."

I see these words have disdain for the traditionalists with their 'wife' and 'husband'. What I don't see get discussed is the future in mind: marriage.

What stops someone from getting married when they're so young? That's what I argue for if you are someone who is in a relationship, what is stopping you from marrying?

"We're too young."

So, too young to marry, but not too young to date?

"Things might change."

If that is the case, why aren't they changing now, or at the very least use the vow and commitment for one another as the stone you build your house upon?

Because, really, if that's not the case, marriage or commitment would be the hinderance in your desire to have freedom to trade-up in partners. Then, when you say you're in a committed relationship, sure. But expand that time horizon and it was temporary.

But, as you know, it's more painful to hear,

"I'm in a temporary relationship."

Your choice of words matter. Your actions more so. Like I say, if you're saying,

"This will do for now."

You are creating hell for yourself. A void that cannot be filled by the countless relationship, building and breaking of relationships. But what do I know?

It's ultimately pride in some form. That you think that you can reap the fruits of a committed relationship without the axis of time and exclusivity.

"But I'm only seeing this one person."

There is nothing wrong with that. Perhaps it's only wrong if you continue a relationship that hinders both your ability to grow. Or, without something long term in mind.

Let's argue about the definition of a committed relationship. Marriage is a committed relationship. I think outside of the definition of marriage is temporary commitment. Because, to commit to ONE means to disregard the rest.

And, if you believe yourself to have multiple partners across a lifetime is a given, then you have not committed.

If we call for our significant other to be their best, we must demand of it ourselves, first and always.

Okay, we got the argument for not dating. Here's the best argument I can see to advocate for dating. It's in the process itself, putting yourself in uncomfortable positions of vulnerability with another person that enables the potential for growth.

For me, it's in the act of asking someone out that's more important to train and exercise my courage. To also voluntarily face the reality of potential rejection. Staring at the abyss, per se.

It does not attract me to date to play with another person's feelings. To mislead. To revel in their naivety.

Then you can say, fuck it, what do I have to lose? How can hanging out with someone derail me?

You are simply offering someone the chance for companionship with you.

My stance: if you date without the idea of marriage in the back or front of mind, you're just asking for trouble.

To answer that original question,

Date when you're ready for that lifelong commitment.