4 Ways To Make People Dislike You

You know this guy? The kind that complains, can't take criticism, and seems to pray on everyone's downfall?

Well...I had the great pleasure to have met one of these people.

Really, I'm quite grateful for them.

In inspiration, you get to learn four things that makes people dislike you.

• Complain
• Inability to be criticised
• Hypocrisy
• Gossip

In brief, being dislikable revolves around your relationship with negativity.

I hate writing pure negativity. In fact, I should really be writing:

'How To Be Likeable'

However, I see common mistakes people make that turn people off.

Don't worry!

I'll teach you how to be likeable through inversion.

(If you think you're him, you're not. And if you do, why haven't you grown?)

Complain

It's 2019. We were on a Japanese high school study tour.

There was a particular individual in our cohort who complained about everything on the trip.

The tipping point was when we were in Osaka and trying to get lunch.

There weren't many places nearby. We found a restaurant located on a second storey floor, using a tiny two-person elevator.

Lunch: pork udon.

I can't remember how much it cost, but this particular individual complained in plain English (aloud) that it was too expensive for being,

"Soup and only three slices of pork."

1. You are a foreigner representing us foreigners when going to Japan. They've all taken English class, so there's a chance they'll understand your complaining.
2. You are bringing down the mood of the trip.

I'm fine if you feel you have been ripped off. But say it outside of the restaurant. Not in front of the chef and wait staff who welcomed you into their home to be served in their kitchen.

Then, being negative when other members of your group enjoyed the meal will leave them discouraged.

Selfish and inconsiderate.

I remember confronting him once we got outside of the building.

"Look, can you stop being so negative? It's bringing down everyone's experience in Japan?"

Then, he lashed out at me. I can't remember the words he exchanged, but I can remember it was quite sulky.

Inverse: Take Action

Why complainers are disliked because they differ from the go-getters.

We acknowledge that life gives problems. But, that doesn't stop us from being optimistic and getting shit DONE.

If you've identified problems, take actions working towards it.

If something bad has happened, ask yourself,

"What can I do about it?"

If it's nothing, then don't worry about it. If it's something, do it and then don't worry about it.

Action changes circumstance.

Both externally and internally.

Inability To Take Criticism

If you cannot handle valid criticism, you will soon not have many honest friends.

Just fake ones.

If your first response to criticism is becoming defensive, it shows insecurity. The problem is inability to be vulnerable and owning up to your flaws.

Counterintuitively, we respect people who can acknowledge their flaws because they feel more relatable.

Human.

Also, how can you criticise someone who is willing to own their flaws?

In fact, you could try to become your biggest critic. Then, no one else has the power to take your place as your biggest criticiser.

Inverse: Have Humility

Be comfortable with making fun of yourself. Own up to your flaws, and work on them.

Self-improvement is not for the world to see.

It's strength that you can draw upon; evidence of constant improvement.

Be A Hypocrite

This has to relate to fairness and sense of justice.

If someone carries a standard that is not shared with everyone or to themselves, then that is unfair.

The same fellow from Japan: dish out criticism, and hate it when people did the same.

To criticise others, and not let others criticise you, goes against principle:

Treat others as you would treat yourself.

Alas, it's easier to give ourselves lower standards, and expect higher standards from those around us.

Even myself, I sometimes catch myself expecting others to do something I am unwilling.

I get annoyed by that. Because I do not want to end up being told I'm a hypocrite. And they're right.

(This idea of 'hypocrisy' is what inclines me to do actions I know I must do)

In saying that, do not conflate growth with hypocrisy.

Blatant hypocrisy is actively lying, saying one thing and doing the other.

Changing your opinion – hypocrisy?

No.

It indicates growth and gaining perspective.

Inverse: Self-Awareness

To combat hypocrisy?

Understand yourself and be conscious of your thoughts.

Notice your blindspots.

Journalling and self-work are stuff that will bring to light these common thought patterns.

Also, being aware when you do grow, be comfortable saying,

"I was wrong."

Gossip

There's a principle:

Don't say anything you wouldn't say in front of their face.

Talking behind peoples' backs is cowardly.

I remember in Grade 9, there was a girl in my Japanese class who was getting rumours that she was a lesbian with her friend in our grade.

(The other person in question was pansexual.)

The rumour reached our friend group, with some seeing it as entirely plausible.

If you're an American, you'll know about the 5th Amendment: having the right to due process.

You are innocent until proven guilty.

I respected her highly as an academic achiever. So, I didn't take the rumours for face value.

Guess what I did...?

I set the record straight (no pun intended) and asked her directly. She was by herself in the back left corner of our Japanese class.

I sat next to her and asked,

"I want to get this directly from you. So, are you a lesbian with...or...?"

She shook her head no, unamused.

"Great! I wanted to get some clarification."

This story highlights we are quite brave and cowardly as humans.

No one had the understanding to think,

"Why not ask straight from the horse's mouth?"

You cannot be wrong if you are curious.

Why create false explanations for situations we know nothing about?

Gossip, is stating potential as fact.

Just because someone is potentially a lesbian doesn't mean they are.

Then, why do people gossip?

In the moment, it's fun to peer into someone's inner workings. To put them down feeling better about ourselves.

And, what stops you from gossiping about your friends, when you do it for people in general?

(I catch myself gossiping from time to time. As long as I'm aware of it, I can improve on it.)

Inverse: Insult In Front Of Them, Praise Behind Their Back

The opposite of cowardice is bravery.

Your real friends are the ones that can bring concern and criticism directly with you.

I remember bringing attention an old primary school friend his arrogance. It was an uncomfortable conversation in the car. However, I felt great relief.

If you find yourself in gossip, be the brave few who asks more questions and clarity. Or if it's not your business, it's not your business.

Reply,

"I don't need to know about her private life."

Elaborating, I read from George Mack's twitter thread that a trait of high agency people is the ability to insult in front of them and praise behind them.

To believe hearsay indicates a need to be within the in-group. Rather than drawing your own conclusions, you outsource it to someone else.

Having your own thoughts takes time and energy.

Would you rather do what's right, or what's easy?

How To Be Likeable

Those are four ways to become dislikable.

If you find yourself doing these actions, it's okay. We are not perfect. As long as you're working on it.

So...

• Take action and complain less
• Be comfortable in criticising yourself
• Be aware of your own thoughts
• Draw your own conclusions of others

Then, to be a positive person means:

Behaving in a way that focuses on optimism, and hanging out with less negative people.